Je ne sais plus ce que je dois croire ou penser. Et ça tourne, tourne encore, dans ma tête. ça ne me laisse pas de répis. Ces dernières semaines, j'ai réussi à me convaincre d'oublier ce qui s'est passé ou ce qui ne s'est pas passé. Je me suis dit qu'une vie ensemble était après tout possible. Et je me suis remise à imaginer un futur commun. Mais aujourd'hui, tout devient sombre de nouveau. Et je ne peux pas en parler. 

Je me redonne l'espoir enivrant de m'appeler un jour Mme S. Et en cette seconde, je me dis que cette troisième chute n'en sera que plus terrible. Alors que faire?

Deux choix me sont donnés: le croire, lui faire confiance, ou suivre l'instinct qui me dit qu'il est le plus abjecte des hommes.

You used to be everything to me, i used to love you from all my heart. But today, everything's over.

I thought, everything was my fault. I thought, that only my panic attacks were ruining this relationship. But at the end, this relationship has never existed like i thought it did.

You took advantage of me, lied to me, betrayed me and will betray me again, maybe even more, in few days. You have no respect or consideration for me. I was just a useful tool when you just wanted to escape. All of this "i love you, i want to spend my life with you, you're the only one...' was just bullshit.

And you are killing me. Knowing how i feel and only asking me about your "two pairs of shoes", telling me forgetting them at home was "the stupidest thing ever", that "shit, thats sucks, two weeks and just one pair of shoes". Are you doing that on purpose...?

You must have no feelings, no soul, to behave like this. I'm dying, i can't breathe anymore, even pills can't help me. And your only worries are about some freaking shoes?

You perfectly know how i feel right now, but hey, the most important thing is you, having fun during these two week holidays... and of course, lying and betraying me over again. No wonder now why one night while drunk you told me you were scared that i realised how awful you are. I should have understood the message.

I don't even know if you have been honnest with me even just once. But if so, you're gonna realise that you did the biggest mistake of your life. And the day you'll cry for that, i'll be making fun of you. I promese. And at least I, mean it.

...

Have you ever truly loved me, even for few seconds? I guess not, cause a human being who loves another one couldn't do what you did to me.

I don't even know how to survive it. I have no words for it. But in two weeks, when you'll be back, i'm gonna show it to you. Show you the mess you turned me into. And unless you really have no soul, you'll realise how big your mistake was.